Moving On, Letting Go
by Settiai
Summary: At some point, she was going to have to put the past behind her. [Coraline Shepard: Colonist, Ruthless, Sentinel] :: F!Shep/Thane, past F!Shep/Kaidan


Shepard jerked up in bed, the remnants of a familiar nightmare echoing in her head. She took a few shaky breaths, trying to calm her racing heart as she reached up to wipe away some of the sweat she could feel on her forehead.

It hadn't even been 72 hours since they'd come back through the Omega 4 relay. She'd honestly thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe would give her a short reprieve. She should have known that it was too much to ask for.

It had to have been that mission that Hackett had asked her to go on that was drudging up old memories, the one in batarian space. Hell, she was lucky that it wasn't Mindoir that she had been dreaming about, all things considered.

"Siha?"

She didn't startle, but it took almost everything that she had to keep from it. Then she glanced to her left.

Thane was propped up on one arm, his face expressionless. Shepard didn't think she was imagining the hint of worry in his eyes, though. And she also couldn't help but notice that he was very carefully not touching her. Which was probably a good thing, come to think of it.

It made sense. He of all people would know a thing or two about not startling someone who was lost in their memories.

Shepard took another shaky breath. "Just give me a second, okay?" she asked, reaching up to run her fingers through her hair.

She normally was careful not to touch it, but it was practically drenched with sweat. At this point, it wasn't going to make much of a different. Besides, there had always been something relaxing about playing with her hair.

Beside her, Thane was silent for a moment. Then he nodded. "Of course."

Shepard closed her eyes, and she was instantly transported back to the nightmare she had just escaped. The gorgeous scenery of Virmire was all around her, hiding the fact that it was a fucking death trap, while Kaidan cursed her for leaving him behind.

Her eyes shot open, and she all but threw herself out of bed, ignoring Thane's startled exclamation. The air felt cool against her bare skin, but she didn't bother to try to find any of her discarded clothes. She just kept walking, making a beeline for her desk.

_That's not how it happened. He didn't blame me. He knew that he had forced my hand._

Shepard picked up the picture of Kaidan that was sitting on her desk, staring down at it with a single-minded intensity. If she stared right at his face in the dim light, focused on his eyes, it was almost as if she was actually looking at him and not a picture. It was almost as if…

She let out a shaky breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob even to her. But that was ridiculous, because she was Commander Coraline Shepard, survivor of Mindoir and Butcher of Torfan and killer of the Council, and Commander Shepard _didn't cry_ over a damn nightmare.

"Siha?"

Thane's voice was coming from just a few feet away. She ignored him, still staring at the damn picture in her hand.

She wasn't entirely certain where it had come from. It hadn't been there when she'd first came on board the _Normandy_, but a few days after she'd visited Alchera it had just… appeared. She hadn't thought that anyone had known about her and Kaidan, other than Ashley, but maybe she'd been wrong.

_You and the LT weren't being subtle,_ Ashley had said, in the aftermath of Virmire. Who knew where it had come from? Who knew what eyes had been watching?

"Shepard?" There was a long pause. "May I touch you?"

Shepard took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. Then she nodded.

A hand gently placed itself on her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. Thane didn't say a word, and she couldn't see his face with him standing behind her. She could practically feel his gaze focus in on the picture that she was still holding, though.

"His name was Kaidan," she said quietly, the words spilling out before she could stop them. "We served together on the _Normandy_. The first _Normandy_, I mean. He died. On Virmire. I had a choice, and I chose to leave him behind."

There was silence for a moment. Then Thane squeezed her shoulder again.

"You were together?" he asked. There was a hint of something that she couldn't quite read in his voice, mixed in with a fair bit of curiosity.

"No," Shepard said quickly. Probably too quickly. "And yes. It was… complicated."

There was another pause. "Love often is," Thane said finally. That undecipherable _something_ was still in his voice.

Her bark of laughter surprised even Shepard. "Ain't that the truth?" she muttered under her breath. She stared at Kaidan's picture for another second before reluctantly setting it back down on the desk. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Thane squeezed her shoulder again. Then both hands came over her shoulder to wrap loosely around her in a light embrace. "I suspect you didn't mean to wake yourself either," he said matter-of-factly. "None of us can control what our minds decide we need to remember."

Shepard sighed, bringing her hands up to rest on top of Thane's. They were low enough on her torso that she could see them clearly, or at least as clearly as possible in the dim light coming from the fish tank. And from the red glow coming from her own skin.

"Sometimes I wonder if he's dead because of me," Shepard said softly, staring down at the shining red scars crisscrossing her hands. "I can't help but think that if there hadn't been something between us, if it had been strictly professional…"

She trailed off. One of her scars was shining a little brighter than usual, and resisted the urge to poke at it.

"I was scared that it wouldn't work out," she admitted, her voice even quieter than before. "What if I chose Ash instead of him because of that? Because part of me didn't want to take the risk that he'd see me for what I really was?"

Thane moved his hands so that they covered hers. "Siha, you—"

"Don't," Shepard said sharply, cutting him off. She turned her head abruptly, looking him straight in the eyes. The look he was shooting her was completely inscrutable. "Just don't, okay?"

For a moment, Thane didn't say anything. Then the corner of his mouth twitched, as if he was trying to hold back a smile.

"I was merely going to say that you are the only one who can answer the questions that you were asking," he said mildly.

Just like that, the rest of her anger and frustrated drained away. "Of course you were," she said tiredly, closing her eyes momentarily. "And now I feel like a complete and total idiot."

Thane chuckled. Then he leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her shoulder, where his hand had been resting just a few minutes before. "Are you ready to return to bed?"

Shepard allowed herself one more look at the picture resting on her desk. Kaidan grinned up at her, and for just a second she thought that she saw him wink. As if he was telling her to move on and stop focusing on what might have been.

Thane shifted slightly. "Shepard?"

"Yeah," she said slowly, "I think that I am."


End file.
